I happened to get a nice message from Shiloh Sophia talking about self love. And I thought, "Oh yeah, self love is the answer to insecurity!" Convincing myself that somebody else loves me is not going to kick it, since the insecurity is like a sneaky crevice - not too wide, but very very deep - and some of the love that gets poured into me leaks down into the crevice and disappears into the dark.
Self love is cool. I used to say an affirmation inside my head, and it's not too tricky: "I love myself!" That helped. Self love is a big project.
Another thing that I've been doing a lot in the past year or so is using Emotional Freedom Technique. This is a clearing method for removing and remodeling unwanted patterns. Part of it is tapping on a series of points on your upper body, but what you are doing while you tap is, in a sense, radical. You identify and really notice what it is that you're feeling that you'd rather not feel any more (this alone is a counterintuitive and very powerful tool), and then you say to yourself, "Even though I have this feeling of insecurity (or anxiety or sadness or whatever it is), I deeply love and accept myself." That's radical, because rather than being at odds with the emotion, situation, or sensation, you are accepting it, accepting yourself with this experience. It's a compassionate response. And then you go through the tapping, which seems to rewire something in you or distract you - I don't know, but when you finish the tapping you take a deep breath and check in with where that feeling is at. Usually it's changed. And you do it again on another aspect until you feel done for now. It's pretty cool - there's a free instruction manual on it on the internet and I would recommend checking it out for those who want more emotional freedom!
This week I had an appointment with the dentist to get a crown on a back molar. I put it off for a few years but the dentist convinced me that a crack in the tooth was getting a little longer. Like most people, I don't relish a trip to the dentist. So beforehand I was trying to come up with things to appreciate about the experience. I thought about how lots of people don't have access to this kind of health care. And then I thought, "This dentist is the greatest f**ing genius dentist in the world!" Even though I had no idea whether or not that was true at all, it felt pretty good. Nonetheless, there were times that I was tense sitting there. I brought my ipod and listened to some music while the dentist and his assistant were working. It took a long time to prepare everything - they had to make impressions of the teeth and numb my tooth. Twice. But once they succeeded in getting the area sufficiently anesthetized, I did relax and was able to appreciate how the dentist and his assistant worked together very smoothly and incredibly fast to get the thing drilled off. It was nice to see that and nice to have them working towards getting out of my mouth! After the drilling was done, I enjoyed looking at the assistant's ear with her pearl earring in it. Her back was turned and she was working on the temporary crown, and there was the line of the bottom of her hair, and her beautiful little ear. It's possible to derive tremendous pleasure from appreciation of small things. I'm not sure that's quite love, but it is definitely healing.
The beautiful pears in the picture up there are from my yard last summer. I think they look like the epitome of a lush, fruitful, prosperous reality. Not only that but for some reason there is a pink blossom in the top left of the picture. It's a mystery what that's doing there in the time of summer when the pears are that big, except that flowers are sweet and sexy and exude flower essence. I don't know much about that, but I feel that it's subtle and offering balance for those that stop to feel it.
Recently I was reading out of Divine Nourishment by Mary Lane, and she described a journey into a crater in Hawaii to collect flower essences. While in the crater, she communed with the spirit of a rare plant that grows there, and it told her that there were two other plants there that would work together to support a spiritual practice of restoring the balance of the masculine and feminine energies inside a person. I was moved by this very poignant story of information for healing and expansion being revealed in an unconventional way.
A few days ago David and I worked in my yard pruning trees and trimming ivy. He is an awesome tree pruner! He made a huge pile of branches in my front yard. Things there are looking good now and feeling ready for spring. It feels like a great clearing out, making way for new growth, light, air, expansion. He told me the plants appreciate this attention, and would explode with beautiful new energy as a result. Plus we got dirty and sweaty and we had so much fun neither of us could believe it.
I'm going to end this soon, with a part of a poem from Rumi that I read at dance the other night. I was looking for something about self love, and I found these:
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
**
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.
**
This moment this love comes to rest in me,
many beings in one being.
In one wheat grain a thousand sheaf stacks.
Inside the needle's eye a turning night of stars.
**
I am so small I can barely be seen.
How can this great love be inside of me?
Look at your eyes. They are small
but they see enormous things.
Happy Valentine's day to all you lovers of self, lovers of life, lovers of lovers, lovers of what is and what could be and what was - acceptance, appreciation, gratitude, joy, love. So be it!
This is a beautiful piece, Julie. Thank you!
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